What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 07:37
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I was scared of men, in general
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I said to her
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Comes on , in middle age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
When she asked me how she looked .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it wasn’t much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I will be 64.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
But, we were locked up after school.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
All the time i was locked up.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i lived it daily.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ive learnt so much.
This is soul school!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Would this be the day?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I have no regrets .
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!